Hey, Amanda! Thanks so much for signing up for Male Collectors, New York City’s only boyfriend-walking service, where our motto is “Because sometimes when you’re quarantining, you just need to be left alone.” I’m Jasmine, your designated Man-Care Specialist, and I’m super excited to meet Bob tomorrow. Could you reply to this e-mail and let me know if he has any beer allergies, and also provide me with a list of his favorite aisles at Home Depot?
Jasmine here with an update about my adventure with Bob today. As you know, he was a little reluctant at first. That was a genius idea you had, asking the doorman to lock the door immediately after you shoved Bob outside. Anyway, Bob got a crazy amount of exercise. After eleven blocks, I finally caught up to him. I was thinking that it might be helpful in the future if you could turn on the tracker app on Bob’s phone.
Bob was waiting in the lobby when I showed up. He said he couldn’t take the smell of the cabbage stuffed with Limburger cheese that you were cooking. (Smart move!) He wanted a treat right away, so we social-distanced on the sidewalk while he vaped. Oops! He told me not to tell you. Before you get annoyed, though, you should know that’s not how his mask got singed. That happened in the moped skirmish. Oops. He said to tell you we were riding CitiBikes and wearing helmets. For the record, we weren’t with Eliza.
Loved the mask you made for Bob! Hope you don’t mind that we had to take it off. The duct tape over his mouth was making it hard for him to breathe, LOL. Did you know he has asthma? Other than that, we had an awesome day at the ESPN Reruns Stadium & Tequila Bar. You mentioned that Bob could stay out all night, and I noticed you put a toothbrush in his suitcase. I needed to bring him back, though, because I had to take a client to the groomer at five. Also, Male Collectors doesn’t offer a boarding service. Have you tried the Him Inn? They have short stays and a new Lock ‘Em & Leave ‘Em option. If you can’t drop off Bob yourself, Man 2 Go and 1-800-U-GOT-JUNK both do partner pickups.
P.S. I called Bob’s mother, as you suggested. She said that Bob can’t stay with her, because she’s thawing lamb chops.
OMG, Amanda. Bob told me your awful news. I didn’t know you could even get COVID-19 for a third time. Bob said you are making him sleep in the pantry to protect him from getting sick. The funny thing is that today we ran into some friends of Bob’s—a long-haired shedder who leaves socks in every room, a frisky yapper who breathes too loudly, and a retriever who clutters the apartment with stuff from Amazon—and guess what? Their girlfriends have all had COVID-19 tons of times, too. The record was eighteen bouts.
Bob had a tummy ache. He thinks maybe the milk you left out for his coffee this morning wasn’t lactose-free. When we got back to your apartment, Bob’s key didn’t work. The doorman’s key didn’t work, either. We knocked and knocked, but Bob said that you said that the COVID-19 had made you lose your sense of hearing him. I couldn’t stay because I had to pick up a rescue boyfriend in Tribeca. (Do you know anyone who needs a boyfriend? Or even someone who could take in a foster boyfriend for a few weeks?) I hope Bob got back inside the apartment before his stomach started cramping again.
Is everything O.K.? Bob wasn’t waiting for me when I came by this morning. Anyway, I have some good news. Male Collectors has merged with Pub Crawl and is now accepting husbands. So if you and Bob decide to get married, he can still be my client.