Roy Exum: The Sunday Funnies

three brown squirrels

Welcome to The Sunday Funnies, with apologies that these are really The Saturday Funnies delivered a day late. Every month, on the very first day, we have a time-honored ritual of “A Walk in the Garden” where we award “orchids” and “onions” to worthy recipients. Ever so often the first day of the month comes on a Saturday. Thus, the Sunday Funnies were created some time ago.

As our loyal readers know, the weekly Funnies are not created by Chattanoogan.com staff but gleaned from the emails and funny things that arrive in our weekly emails. If, by chance, a funny comes your way, please forward it to [email protected] where it will be given every consideration.

Here is this week’s sampling:

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THIRTY THINGS A SOUTHERN BOY WILL NEVER SAY

30. When I retire, I’m moving North.

29. I’ll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex

28. Duct tape won’t fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken with a slice of lime.

26. We don’t keep no guns in this house.

25. You can’t feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We’re vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits, grits, and gravy.

19. Honey, we don’t need another dog.

18. Who gives a rip who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too dang big.

11. I’ve got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.

8. I’ve got two cases of Blue Moon iced down for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate!

6. She’s too young to be wearing that bikini.

5. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee-Haw” that we haven’t seen.

4. I don’t have a favorite football team.

3. Say “Youse Guys”

2. Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I’m driving a whole busload of us down to help in the Joe Biden Campaign.

* * *

‘DARLING, ALLOW ME TO DIE IN PEACE”

My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, “There’s something I must confess.”

“Shhh,” I said “There’s nothing to confess. Everything is alright.”

“No, I must die in peace,” he said, “”I had sex with your sister, your best friend, and your co-worker”

“I know” I whispered, “That’s why I poisoned you… Now, close your eyes … and rest eternal, my sweet … “

* * *

FROM THE ‘BOOK OF REDNECK MANNERS’

Here are the newest tips for the summer:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them

3. It’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum under the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

– – –

WHEN YOU ARE DINING OUT …

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

– – –

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

– – –

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

– – –

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

– – –

WEDDING ETIQUETTE …

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

– – –

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4.  When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

– – –

TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records

* * *

THERE IS NOTHING FINER THAN CLEVER

* — A sign in a shoe repair store in Vancouver reads: “We will heel you. We will save your sole … we’ll even dye for you.”

* — A sign on a window shade and curtain truck: “Blind man driving”

* — Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix”

* — In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.”

* — On a Septic Tank Truck: “Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

* — At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

* — On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

* — On another Plumber’s truck: “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

* — At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.”

* — On an Electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts”

* — In a Non-smoking Area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

* — On a Maternity Room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

* — At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

* — Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming”

* — In a Veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

* — At the Electric Company: “We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time … however, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”

* — In a Restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

* — In the front yard of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

* — At a Propane Filling Station: “Thank Heaven for little grills.”

* — In a Chicago Radiator Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.”

* — And the best one for last… the sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: “Caution – This Truck is full of political promises “

* * *

LAWS THEY DON’T TEACH YOU IN PHYSICS

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch, and you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath   – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces –   The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

 14. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.

 15. Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

 16. Law of Public Speaking —   A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

 17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

 18.Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick

* * *

BEST VIDEOS OF THE WEEK

* — 45 LIFE LESSONS — Written by A 90-Year-Old in the sunset of life. Here are some beautiful observations written by Regina Brett and read by Dare to do. Listen and Enjoy when You feel Sad or Depressed. CLICK HERE.

* — GREATEST WEDDING SONG EVER – One of the best organists who ever lived, Tabernacle organist, Richard Elliott, with the Orchestra at Temple Square, and the women of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir perform “Wedding Processional,” from The Sound of Music, by Rodgers and Hammerstein. CLICK HERE.

* — SWEET MEMORIES – Ray Charles and Mary Ann Fisher sing it as you see scenes from the legendary “To Catch a Thief, a 1955 romantic thriller directed by Alfred Hitchcock starring Grace Kelly and Cary Grant. CLICK HERE 

* — RUSSIA’S FAMED POLICEWOMEN ON HORSES — Several years ago Russian president Vladimir Putin mounted a horse on the eve of International Women’s Day and cantered with female policewomen in footage broadcast across Russia. CLICK HERE.

* — THE BEST QUOTES OF ALL TIME – From RedFrost Motivations: These are read by Chris Lines CLICK HERE.

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